Was I a Conversational Narcissist or Just in Need of Being Seen and Heard?

Dr. Jordan Schaul | Scapegoat Strength

You may not recognize the term “conversational narcissism” but the likelihood is that you have participated, willingly or not, in an exchange with a conversational narcissist. If you have healthy communicative boundaries, the conversations probably didn’t last very long. You walked or perhaps ran away from the person monopolizing the interaction.

Think of the person you avoid in one-on-one conversations because all they do is talk at you about themselves. This behavior is unbecoming and nauseating. Conversational narcissism is common among individuals who don’t meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder but present with narcissistic traits (aka trait narcissism) or tendencies. The conversational narcissist has great difficulty listening. In fact, they may not give you an opportunity to speak in the first place.

The conversational narcissist also doesn’t ask you questions. They simply dominate conversations. You might as well ask them to transcribe what they said because you won’t be participating in the conversation. If you are on a phone call with a conversational narcissist, you can put the phone down, run some errands and return to pick up the phone. You will probably find them still talking. And, imagine two conversational narcissists talking ‘at’ each other about themselves before becoming exhausted in an attempt to win over and dominate the conversation.

Levity aside, this behavior represents a deep emotional wound and a need to be seen and heard. Conversational narcissism is an ‘addiction’ to attention that can have a lasting impact on the afflicted and those they engage with. If someone walks away in the middle of a conversation, a narcissist will likely attribute the disengagement to a problem with the other person; not themself.

Conversational narcissism is an addiction to attention that can have a lasting impact on the afflicted and those they engage with. If someone walks away in the middle of a conversation, a narcissist will likely attribute the disengagement to the other person’s problem or rudeness; not their own.

Boston College sociology professor Charles Derber coined the term Conversational Narcissist in The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life. He describes the cultural phenomena that have emerged in our individualistic societies and continue to influence our need to be validated. He further describes how we compulsively pursue this need for attention. One way we do this, albeit unconsciously, is through conversation — the focus of his book.

Much like autism or sociopathy (aka antisocial personality disorder), narcissism presents on a spectrum. When we talk about conversational narcissism, we mean personality traits or behavioral tendencies that can be present in subclinical manifestations of narcissism. As humans, we are inherently narcissistic but some of us exhibit more narcissistic traits and tendencies than others. Some of these are adaptive and some are maladaptive.

Narcissism is rooted in shame and insecurity. The fragile ego, which accompanies a negative self-construct, is often associated with childhood trauma. Those afflicted with trait narcissism and particularly narcissistic personality disorder are unlikely to seek help because they don’t perceive themselves as the problem. They may seek help for issues influenced by their maladaptive behavior.

This lack of awareness and lack of empathy are hallmarks of the pathologic personality. If you have ever wondered how a personality disorder or maladaptive trait impacts interpersonal relations, this is how.

This lack of awareness and lack of empathy are hallmarks of the pathologic personality. If you have ever wondered how a personality disorder or maladaptive trait impacts interpersonal relations, this is how.

Self-absorption is, in part, a consequence of not having one’s emotional needs met as a child. Emotional neglect is not uncommon nor is it necessarily intentional, but it is deemed an adverse childhood experience and occurs in all socioeconomic groups. I myself once presented with a dire need for attention, which could have been construed as conversational narcissism. I was turned off by the behavior if I observed it in someone else but was largely unaware of my own need to be seen and heard.

One of the few public figures who has been open about his struggle with narcissism and his experience in psychoanalysis is shock jock, Howard Stern. Psychodynamic psychotherapy was helpful to him and can be quite helpful for others willing to seek treatment. Listening more, talking less, and paying attention to how you engage with others can profoundly improve your relationships.